It is not uncommon for baby boomers to be known for making rude and inappropriate comments, even discriminatory. However, what makes things worse is that they often try to justify their behavior using excuses that are not particularly valid. For instance, some may claim that they are too old to change their ways, that they are only speaking their minds, that their comments are harmless, that your generation is too sensitive, or that they’ve raised three kids, so they know best!

Generally, I’d say that regardless of the reasons behind their behavior, it is important to educate people about the harm caused by such comments and work towards creating change being more inclusive and respectful. The holidays can sometimes be difficult and not always the time when you want to get into it with someone. Sometimes, for our mental health, it’s easier to get by with quick and easy comments that shut down the conversation.

Be direct with what you say, but honest with how you say it.
-Adam Grant

Here are some quick and easy ways to handle toxic family over the holidays:

1. Set Boundaries with family members

One of the most effective ways to deal with toxic family members or inappropriate comments is to set boundaries. This means being clear about what you will and will not tolerate. For example, if someone makes a rude comment about your life choices, you can calmly but firmly say,

I don’t appreciate your comment; this is not up for discussion.

How to teach your child they don’t have to hug:

What do you do when relatives try to force hugs on your child? Set boundaries! If your child doesn’t want to be hugged, respect that. As a parent, you must back them on this and help them set those boundaries. It’s an important lesson about consent and giving your child the power to say no.  Here are some ways to help them set those boundaries:

Intervene and give your child choices; show them that you can still be respectful while setting boundaries:

Come here and give me a hug!
Parent (speaking to child): Would you like to give a hug or maybe a high-five or wave?  

Empower your child to make the choice for themselves even when you’re not there. Let them know that they are always welcome to say no to affection:

Come here and give me a hug!
Child: No thank you. or, Let’s fist bump instead.

2. Stay calm – don’t give toxic family the ability to ruin your holiday!

It’s natural to get upset when someone says something hurtful or offensive, but staying calm, cool, and collected is important. Getting angry or defensive will only escalate the situation and make things worse; don’t ruin your own holiday! Instead, take a deep breath, count to ten, and respond calmly and measuredly. Or walk away.

Try something like this,

Huh, I’m surprised you said that out loud.

That’s a rather personal question to ask someone. I’d prefer not to answer that.

I don’t think you meant to ask that in front of everyone.

3. Find Support for getting though tough family functions

Dealing with toxic family members or inappropriate comments can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to find support. This could be a friend or therapist. If you have another cousin, partner, or sibling who is aware of the family dynamic, talk to them ahead of time and help one another out, for example when you hear this:

“When are you having another child? They will be lonely – they won’t learn how to share.”
Your partner, mom or someone else can answer if you think this question is triggering.

“Thank you for your thoughts, but our family is happy and complete.”

Here are a few other polite comments to keep in your back pocket for a variety of situations:

“I don’t want to discuss that in front of the children.”

“I value your opinion, but on this topic, I’d appreciate it if you would keep this opinion to yourself. Thank you”

“I understand what you’re saying, but we will continue to do what’s best for our family.”

And when all else fails, a sarcastic smile and “Thank you for your feedback.”

4. Focus on the positive: ways to show family what is appropriate to discuss and what is not

It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of toxic family members or inappropriate comments. Still, it’s essential to focus on the positive, and by doing so, you can also put them in their place about what is appropriate to discuss and remind them of what truly matters. For example, did they mention your weight, the weight of your child, or eating habits?

I’ve heard comments to my daughter like, “You’re so slender. I’m jealous.”  they tried to justify it as a compliment, but compliments like this are damaging; you’ve just told my daughter that her worth is based on how she looks. Plus, behind closed doors, there could be all kinds of struggles that are none of anyone’s business.  Shut it down like it is,

In our family, we don’t discuss how our bodies look but what they can do. Did you know Jane has beat a personal best in cross country this year?!

Talk to your kids about this, too, and let them know they can walk away from unsolicited comments and opinions. Let them overhear you setting boundaries for yourself and your family so they know you’ve always got their back. Teach your kids that they can politely stand up for themselves and redirect the question in a way that they can reframe the conversation,

I know you’re trying to compliment me, but I don’t want to discuss my appearance. Do you want to hear how much I’m enjoying… (insert hobby, sport, school, etc.)

5. Take Care of yourself – it’s okay to not attend family functions

Spend time with the people who make you happy and focus on the things you’re grateful for. This will help you stay positive and avoid getting caught up in the drama this season. It’s okay to turn down invitations – that’s you setting boundaries, and that’s totally acceptable!

Make the most of your holiday season. You can find ways to be direct yet polite, and you’ll come out on the other side feeling strong and empowered.

The post How to Deal With Toxic Family During the Holidays. appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Andy has a point, though – the holidays are supposed to be a special and memorable time with the people we care about. How do we avoid getting bogged down in the to-do lists, stresses, obligations, and extra tasks that come with this month?

The answer is a modified “mini” version of self-care. We must do little things to keep our morale and spirits bright. No one has time for elaborate self-care indulgences, so we must get by on small doses. Elf-sized, if you will. Maybe “elf-care” would be a better term.

Self-care (even the mini kind) should be personalized, so do whatever works for you. If Christmas music and its repeating “pa-rum-pa-pum-pums” set your teeth on edge, then avoid that, for goodness’ sake. You need some small-scale tactics to try that will help you feel gratitude and enjoy the holiday spirit.

Holiday self-care tips for moms:

• Escape.

  Curling up with a good book may not be feasible at this time of year, but you can stash a festive magazine in your bag to flip through at your kids’ activities or while waiting for the school holiday concert to begin. Even if you don’t end up making that chocolate-candy cane bark recipe, it’s fun to look at the pictures.

• Breathe.

  You may not have time for a full-fledged yoga or meditation class, but a few deep breaths can go a long way. Once the kids are all buckled into the car, close the door and take 10 seconds to regroup before you get in. Turn toward the vehicle, lower your head, inhale, then exhale deeply, feeling your shoulders rise and fall. Repeat a couple of times until you feel calm (or until your passengers start yelling and banging on the window).

• Sip on the go.

  We’d rather be wrapped in a polar fleece blanket, sipping from a steaming mug of tea and watching the snow fall gently outside, but guess what? We’ve got errands. Treat yourself to a hot beverage from the drive-thru and savor it at every red light.

• Pause.

  If the universe hands you some unexpected bonus time, grab it. For example, your toddler falls asleep on the drive home and miraculously doesn’t wake up when you pull in. Stay in the car and cherish those few extra minutes to finish your coffee, listen to Christmas music on the radio, or have some quiet time.

• Sneak out.

  Get a hit of fresh air and vitamin D any way you can, especially on sunny days. At work, pretend you have to go outside to retrieve something from your car. Do a walking errand at lunch or take a short stroll around the block. Anything to brighten your day for a few minutes.

• Flashback.

  Are you stuck waiting in line? Scroll back in your phone’s photo gallery to find images or videos from last Christmas. It will remind you of last year’s special moments and memories and give you perspective on what really matters.

• Chill.

  You likely don’t have 90 free minutes to watch a beloved holiday movie with your kids. Still, when they’re watching and your favorite part comes on, drop what you’re doing and tune in. It might be just enough nostalgia to recharge your batteries before you continue the desperate search for your star-shaped cookie cutter.

• Reach out.

  Send a simple message (electronic, or snail mail – make it cute!) to someone who will really appreciate the warm holiday wishes. It might be someone who lives far away, who has lost someone this past year, or who is having a happy milestone, such as Baby’s First Christmas. It doesn’t take much, and it leaves both the sender and recipient feeling good.

• Scrub.

  To add a splash of holiday cheer to your morning routine, select a body wash or hand soap with a merry scent, such as candy cane, gingerbread, or pine.

• Set limits.

  In addition to coping at the moment, self-care can involve anticipating situations that cause undue stress and making the appropriate adjustments. If hosting a large dinner will cause you sleepless nights, have a brunch or potluck lunch instead. If being overbooked makes you feel frazzled, be selective when accepting invitations to parties or events.

This year, giving yourself these little pick-me-ups and micro-breaks might be just enough to keep you feeling jolly instead of Grinch-y. It is a wonderful time, and you deserve to enjoy it. Want even more? Check out more tips here! 

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The post 10 Holiday Self-Care Tactics You Might Actually Be Able To Achieve appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Simplify

The holidays create a sense of urgency and the need to overdo even the simplest tasks. Whether it be stressing over what your family is going to wear for Christmas cards or what elaborate dessert you’re going to bring to your family gathering, there is always something that has the potential to get out of hand. Try simplifying by using outfits that you and your kids already have or baking your tried-and-true chocolate chip cookie recipe. The heart behind these gestures will remain but remove all the complication from the tasks.

Plan Ahead

I am most frazzled and overwhelmed when my schedule isn’t planned out. To avoid stress during the holidays, I make sure to have everything written out on my calendar at least a month in advance. This helps me to know when I need babysitters, when we’re celebrating Christmas with different sides of the family and everything in between. Planning ahead with our schedule (and our finances) helps us to feel less stressed and more joyful during the holiday season.

Prioritize

Prioritizing is HUGE. There are so many opportunities for fun things during the holiday season: tree lightings, friendsgivings, gift exchanges, parties, work events and so on. If you want to attend them all, by all means: go for it! If that stresses you out, learn to prioritize the people and the events that are most important to you. AND don’t be afraid to say no when something comes up you can’t attend.

Focus on Making Memories

A huge way to overcome overwhelm during the holiday season is to adjust your mindset and choose memories over things. Instead of a million toys, give your kids the gift of experiences and time together as a family – these memories will last a lifetime longer than a new Lego set.

Express Gratitude

I have found that the best way to overcome overwhelm is to express gratitude often. Tell the people you love how grateful you are for them. Remind your kids of all the blessings in their lives. Place your focus on what you have and not on what you may want.

Bonus Helpful Holiday Hacks:

1. Pre-plan your holiday menu around what works, not what you think you SHOULD do. If cooking a whole turkey is too stressful, just buy turkey breasts!  
2. Shop online for your holiday groceries. It will save you the stress of the parking lot and keeps you focused so you won’t be tempted by seasonal chocolate displays
3. Buy and wrap some chocolate or wine for those unexpected moments when someone brings you a gift. That way you can quickly grab something to reciprocate. 
4. Prepare your kid’s gifts before wrapping them: add the batteries, cut all those pesky packaging ties etc. (This will avoid the meltdown while dad takes too long to cut the toys out of the package and search for batteries)
5. Having a lot of guests this holiday season? Prepare and freeze your favorite soups to pull
   out in a pinch
6. Stay out of the busy mall traffic and do your holiday shopping online. Just be sure to place your orders before the shipping cutoff! 

   Wondering what moms really want for Christmas? Check these ideas out.

The post 5 Ways to Overcome Holiday Stress This Season appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Maybe the problem is that I’m setting a random goal but not doing specific things to create a different outcome. This year, that’s going to change.

I have compiled a list of 25 small but impactful steps that you (and I) can take to keep things on track and enjoy the season more. That said, I’m guessing you don’t even have time to read this whole list. The tips are organized into 4 categories – prioritizing, shopping, coping and connecting – so feel free to jump to the section that interests you. There, you’ll find some suggested mini tactics to help ease your holiday burden.

PRIORITIZING

Pause and reflect. Time for some big-picture thinking. Can you clearly identify which holiday traditions matter the most? Is it taking a photo with Santa, or spending an afternoon decorating the tree? Maybe it’s going skating, assembling a gingerbread house, or watching a beloved holiday special. The ironic thing is, while you instinctively want make things magical and special for others, your best bet is to prioritize things that will be uplifting and festive for you. If you’re motivated and upbeat, the whole thing is likely to go better, and other family members will follow your lead.

Rewind. To focus your time and energy effectively, think back to last Christmas (and other years past) and see what sticks out in your mind. What was a hit, and what was a flop? Hold a family brainstorming session, and if needed, scroll through your photo archives to jog your memory.

Don’t be a hero. In the wise words of Mabelhood contributor Jen Millard, “the sanctity and success of Christmas does not rest solely on your shoulders.” Free yourself from the pressure to create a “perfect” Christmas by following her list of pre-holiday tips.

Protect your calendar. Book the most important gatherings in advance, and don’t be afraid to politely decline an invitation. Log all commitments on a shared calendar so there are no surprises. To avoid overscheduling, be realistic about how much stamina you (and your family) will have on a given day. Reserve some days for “family time only” and if necessary, communicate these to relatives and friends in advance.

Simplify the menu. If you have the time and inspiration to try a new holiday recipe, go for it! (We’ve got detailed instructions for delicious frosted gingerbread squares, courtesy of Jill Campbell.) On the other hand, if you can’t face a kitchen experiment right now, stick with a familiar classic like your grandmother’s shortbread.

Follow through. Some popular holiday traditions, such as Elf on a Shelf, are a serious commitment. If you’re hesitant, you’re not alone – Mabel’s Labels writer Jennifer White wrestled with the Elf dilemma this year. If you end up welcoming a little pointy-hatted friend into your home, consider setting a nightly alarm on your phone to prevent any forgetful blunders.

SHOPPING

Think ahead. Shopping in advance means more selection, better stock, and less panic. For online orders, allow extra time for delivery so you’ll have the gifts in hand well before the big day. In the past, I always forgot to buy stocking stuffers, resulting in a flurry of last-minute desperation purchases. Now, I constantly keep a lookout for “little things” that I can stash away ahead of time.

Embrace quality over quantity. To prevent excess spending and keep kids’ gift expectations in check, consider implementing “The 4 Gift Rule.” Linsey De Ruysscher explains this clever rhyming gift plan, which can be especially helpful in large families.

Make notes. Keep a notebook handy or start a list in the notes app on your phone. Brainstorm all potential gift recipients, including godparents, teachers, coaches, crossing guards, and so on. Update it regularly so you know what gifts you’ve purchased and what you still need to find.

Pick it up. Grab gifts and groceries in a flash with curbside pickup. These services can be game-changing when you’re short on time and want to avoid crowds and line-ups.

Say hello to peppermint. Pumpkin season is over, and you’ve got the green light to pick up some candy cane flavoured lip gloss, hand sanitizer, lotion or body wash. If you’re not into mint, go with pine scent, gingerbread or whatever makes you smile!

COPING

Slow down. Counteract the constant hustle and bustle with a few deep breaths. Make a conscious effort to be in the moment, rather than dashing on to the next task on your to-do list. Take notice of the joyful moments, both big and small. You’ve waited 11 months for this, so don’t rush it.

Stay calm. When you start to feel overwhelmed, try this technique from mindfulness expert and author Julie Potiker. On her blog, she explains the “SNAP” acronym (Soothing touch, Name the emotion, Act, Praise) to help manage stress on the spot.

Soak it in. Another mindfulness tactic is to engage your senses. For example, at mealtime, savour your food and really focus on the taste (especially those decadent desserts that only show up once a year!). During festive gatherings, take a moment to fully absorb the sights, sounds, smells, and textures around you.

Sing “fa la la la la.” I drive an old car – so old, in fact, that the CD player doesn’t work anymore. As such, I have discovered a 24/7 holiday music radio station, and I must admit, it puts me in a merry mood! If you prefer to be your own DJ, create a personalized playlist (Ed Sheeran’s new “Merry Christmas” song can’t get here soon enough!). On the other hand, if the constant holly-jolly jingle-jangle is getting to be too much for you, you’re also entitled to enjoy a “silent night” by turning off the music and enjoying some much-needed quiet time.

Stay warm. It’s hard to be jovial and festive when you feel chilled to the bone. Dress for maximum coziness at all times, with layers, fuzzy socks, comfy sweaters, wool, fleece, flannel – whatever it takes! And, it’s okay to lean on hot drinks to generate warmth. During the cold-weather months, my personal philosophy is to have a steaming beverage in hand as often as possible.

Take a walk. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, bundle up and get outside for a change of scenery, some fresh air, and a quick break from it all. Enjoy the twinkling lights and try to catch a snowflake on your tongue.

Press play. Declare a holiday movie night. Grab some snacks, cuddle under a blanket and give yourself over to some on-screen Christmas cheer. Whether it’s a kid-friendly cartoon or a sappy Hallmark movie, it’ll touch your heart and revive your tired spirit.

CONNECTING

Spread some cheer. Full disclosure: I’m one of those people who still send old-school Christmas cards. (If you’re keen too, check out this 5 step guide for prepping and mailing.) Whether it’s paper-based or electronic, this is a great time of year to reach out to others with a positive message.

Be practical. No matter what form your holiday gatherings take, try to roll with the ups and downs. One year, we had a power failure and couldn’t cook a traditional meal for the 15 guests. Rather than lament this turn of events, we called Domino’s and had an impromptu pizza party. It was incredibly memorable (and actually, so much simpler!).

Manage Zoom calls. Video-chat gatherings can be fun, but can drag on if no one takes charge. Set specific time parameters and add a focal point or activity (such as a photo slide show, family trivia quiz or round of holiday jokes) to give a sense of structure and completion.

Give back. What charitable action can your family take this year? Maybe it’s supporting the food bank or volunteering with a charitable organization. Consider donating a new toy to a local toy drive, or de-cluttering your playroom and giving gently used items to a nearby day care or community centre. It is the season of giving, after all.

Help a neighbour. It always feels good to do something thoughtful for someone else, and it doesn’t have to be a giant gesture. It’s as simple as shovelling someone’s driveway, offering to walk their dog or dropping off a tin of homemade baking.

Support seniors. Those of us with young kids and busy families have plenty of built-in holiday action, but for older adults, this can be a lonely time of year. If your kids like to draw or colour, contact a nearby retirement home to ask if you can bring them some cheerful holiday artwork. My local library is organizing a “holiday card drive” for seniors this year, and my kids and I will definitely be signing up.

Be true to yourself. Above all, this is your holiday season. Don’t get caught up in what others are doing to celebrate or decorate – do what is authentic and right for your family.

What does it say about the parents of today that we need mindfulness techniques to survive a season that is supposed to be naturally merry and bright? Sometimes I think we’re our own worst enemies, piling on the pressure to make everything wondrous and magical (thanks for nothing, Pinterest and Instagram).

This year, give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season and whatever it may bring. If there are bloopers or glitches, try not to over-react. Instead, laugh about it, straighten your Santa hat and carry on. The good news is, you just created a funny memory to look back on next year.

The post 25 Ways to Rise Above Holiday Stress This Year appeared first on The Mabelhood.