In all our years of friendship, we never imagined the day when her baby would become tangled in his umbilical cord and die, just weeks away from his due date. It’s an unfathomable loss. But that’s what happened and it was devastating, for my best friend – most of all – and for all us of us who love her.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Awareness Month, in North America and in countries around the globe. October 15^th is the official PAIL Awareness Day, when a wave of light travels along the time zones, as people light candles at 7 p.m. (local time) in remembrance of little ones lost.

It’s been more than 10 years now since she lost Malachi, and every year I light a candle for him. One of the things about that time that has always stuck with me is the heartbreak she experienced when her loss often went unacknowledged. It seems unthinkable, but some people simply said and did nothing.

In my work over the years, I’ve connected with countless mothers who have experienced miscarriage or later pregnancy loss and have encountered the same reaction from people. Much of the time, it’s because people don’t know what to say; it’s an uncomfortable conversation, so we avoid it. But tip-toeing around miscarriage and loss is what leaves families feeling alone and isolated in their grief.

We need to keep the conversation going, sharing stories and breaking the silence the around loss. The 16 Percent, is an online place dedicated to providing a safe space for couples and individuals to share their stories of infertility and loss. It was created by three women who, in January 2019, also released Through, Not Around, a collection of stories of pregnancy loss and infertility.

I connected with Caroline Starr, one of the co-founders of The 16 Percent and an editor on Through, Not Around, to find out more about how the projects began. She’s the mother of two busy boys – ages one and five – and has also experienced loss.

“The 16 Percent was born of a deep need I felt for more community when I was going through loss and infertility,” she says. “Ariel (one of our co-founders) and I miscarried around the same time and found so much strength in knowing we weren’t alone, and spent a couple of years having brunch once in a while and talking about how we could help people feel less alone. When Allison (the third co-founder) lost her baby, the three of us got together and mapped out The 16 Percent.”

The three co-founders had all worked together in publishing before and knew they’d be compatible creating a project like this.

“Working on this project while I was in my first trimester with my youngest son was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” Caroline recalls. “It was deeply personal, editing those essays, and I’m so glad we had the opportunity. We get so many messages through our social media channels and emails from people who found this book, and The 16 Percent at the perfect moment.  Knowing that there is a space to share your experiences, even if it’s not time for you to do it yet, seems to be very empowering for many.”

When it comes to acknowledging and supporting someone through miscarriage or later pregnancy loss, it can be hard to know what to say. Sometimes we just need to be present.

“Sometimes the right thing is just to hold space for someone and be open to hearing them without judgement. Sometimes, letting someone else tell you what they need and following it to the letter is really powerful. We all feel this need to project what we might like on a person, but these experiences are so visceral and individual that what might have helped you might make someone else feel sad and terrible,” she says.

“The best thing I could recommend would be to meet someone where they are in their grief. If they want to talk about it, go for it and listen away. If they want to not talk about it, that’s perfectly okay too. There’s no right response. For me, personally, I wanted to hear other people’s stories, and that reaction was part of the reason this project came to be. I wanted to know that people were okay, and that okay could look like any number of outcomes.”

So, how can you support a friend through a loss? If you know someone who has experienced a miscarriage, later pregnancy or infant loss, here are three things you can do:

Acknowledge:

Let her know you are thinking of her. Call or send a card. Skip clichés, like: “Everything happens for a reason…” and reminders that she can try again or has other children. It’s okay to stumble over your words or not know what to say. As human beings we protect ourselves from difficult emotions, like sadness and grief.

Support:

Encourage her to reach out to a local support organization, like The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network, where she can connect with other women coping with loss and counsellors who can help guide bereaved parents through their grief. Do not rush her. Do bring over a meal if you live nearby, or offer to take care of older children if she has them. Listen if she’s ready to talk or simply sit with her if she isn’t.

Remember:

A person who has experienced loss usually does not want to forget about their baby. If the baby has a name, don’t be afraid to say it. She will be happy to hear it, even if it makes her sad. Many families plant a tree or have a ceremony of some kind to remember their baby. Ask about those plans and if there’s anything she needs. As the years pass, reach out and let her know that you remember.

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The post How to Support a Friend Through Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Hey, Mama.

You might want to sit down for this. Take a couple of deep breaths. Relax. You’re going to hear that a lot over the next little while, actually.

“Just try to relax.”

“Drop your shoulders and unclench your jaw.”

“Get comfortable.”

“Trust that your body knows what to do…”

I wish I could tell you that it’s going to be that easy. That when you position half a dozen pillows just so, and let go of the tension in your body; take in all of the advice you receive and follow your intuition, breastfeeding comes naturally.

The truth is, for you, there’s nothing relaxing about learning to breastfeed. It’s going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, and you’re really not expecting that. Despite how much you’ve prepared for this, birth takes more out of you than you can possibly imagine.

In the beginning, you’re going to feel defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated. Please be gentle with yourself. No one expects you to have it all figured out. Trust me when I tell you that not only can you do this, but it’s going to be one of the things you love most about being a mom.        

Your body does know what to do, but there’s a learning curve. And, in your case, there’s also a little something called thrush – a yeast infection in your baby’s mouth and on your nipples that is going to make breastfeeding awfully painful.  

I don’t want to scare you with stories of bleeding nipples and breasts so sensitive you can’t even bear to towel dry them after showering. I do wish I could convince you that it’s ok for you and baby to take prescription meds to help clear the infection, but, as usual, you’re a stubborn Virgo and you won’t budge.

(Finally, after three weeks of toe-curling pain and attempted natural remedies – probiotics galore, no sugar or booze, and an absurd amount of nipple balm – you’ll acquiesce, take the drugs, and things start to get better.)

Some nights you’ll be delirious with sleep deprivation, desperate for relief from your engorged breasts, which now look and feel remarkably like a set of curling stones affixed to your chest. You’ll try pumping, but the DAMN THING JUST WON’T WORK and you throw it across the room in a wearied 4 a.m. rage.

It doesn’t break, but it doesn’t matter, because you’ll never really get the hang of pumping anyhow, and your babies will never really take to bottles. This means it’s going to be mostly you, mama, and sometimes that’s going to feel like a heavy weight.

Give yourself a break. You’re going to need it.   

Some mornings you’ll wake up soaked in breast milk and sweat with everything smelling sour. But your sweet girl is there beside you, cooing and puckering her lips. You scoop her up and bring her close and your heart is so impossibly full with love it feels like it might burst right out of your chest. Either that or you’re still getting used to the feeling of your milk letting down.

Just weeks ago, life was so radically different it’s discombobulating. There you were, waddling along, out for a carefree date night eating spicy Thai food to help get that baby out already!

Now you spend most of your time topless, living for hot compresses and long showers where you can knead your boobs and marvel at the fire-hydrant-like display of milk that sprays from your bosom – a bonafide milk machine. (Note: Don’t plan on hosting many visitors.)

You’re going to be thirsty as a mother and hungry all the time, so water and snacks at-the-ready is a must. You’re also going to be hyper-consumed with getting that illusive good latch. Give yourself time. Breastfeeding is natural, but that doesn’t mean it comes easily.       

And then, one day, you’ll find yourself sitting on the couch at your friend’s place. Her kids are running around and she’s making you a cup of tea and you glance down at your nursing babe and realize how much easier it’s become.

You’ve got this nursing thing down now, mama. (Ahem, told you so.)

Before you know it, you’re nursing here and there and everywhere: On a bus without much fuss; on a train and in the rain; at the park and in the dark. (You’re also heading into a season of life when you’ll be reading a LOT of Dr. Seuss.)

The second time around, breastfeeding is more or less a cinch. (Thank goodness, because you aren’t here for that shit show again.) It’s still exhausting and not without a few blocked ducts along the way. Some days you feel touched-out A.F. But, ironically, what’s most difficult at the end is letting go.

You’re going to be breastfeeding for nearly six years and as those days wind down you realize just how much it’s become a part of your identity; how very much you cherish those moments of connection with these little humans you’re raising.     

Breastfeeding becomes so much more than sustenance. Your breast milk is the balm, elixir, salve and solution; a panacea for all the ouchies and every illness. The nook of your breast is a destination – for comfort, safety, conversation, nesting and warmth. So much of life will happen here.   

And while some days will be long and hard, what you remember most is the softness of skin-to-skin snuggles and the deepest feeling of belonging when those little hands reached up to tug at your top. And countless cozy bedtimes, nursing those babies to sleep, the weight of their sleepy bodies against your chest, breathing in unison.

(They both grow up to be good sleepers, by the way, so don’t listen to what the naysayers tell you. You do you.)

Breastfeeding your babies will bring you a sense of accomplishment and gratitude that shapes your experience of motherhood more than anything else. Don’t ever take it for granted. Weaning will be bittersweet and when you finally nurse for the last time it will leave a little mark on your heart to remind you. And even though the milk will go, those two still climb into your arms most days, for a little while longer, at least.     

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The post A Letter to My Newly Breastfeeding Self appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Of course, that all changed.

I was nearing nine centimetres when my midwife checked me and discovered that my baby was breech. When I think back on that night, it all still feels surreal. Doctors and nurses rushed in. There was an ultrasound. Yellow forms detailing who-knows-what were signed in haste. And – whammo – I was being prepped for surgery.

It took a long time before I was able to make peace with my first birth experience (like, years). I felt as though I had been robbed. I had worked so hard and come so close. I felt dis-empowered. And while I know a C-section would have been difficult for me to accept under any circumstances, I’m certain it would have been beneficial if I had been more open to the possibility that it might happen.

For some mamas, caesarean birth can be incredibly beautiful and empowering. I wish I had been more prepared for what my c-section would look and feel like, and how challenging the recovery would be. (It’s major abdominal surgery, after all.)

Whether your c-section is planned or not, being informed can help you through what is a very physically and emotionally overwhelming experience. Feeling as-ready-as-you-can-be will help you have a “belly birth” you’re at peace with. I adore this new way of describing a caesarean, because it keeps us connected to the fact that we are giving birth, and not just undergoing a medical procedure.

BEFORE

The fear can be real if you’re planning a c-section, or even just considering the possibility. It’s major surgery, and many of the images we’re exposed to are intimidating. You might also fear the stigma and shame that many c-section mamas still feel around notions that you weren’t strong enough, or didn’t really give birth to your baby. (Nonsense!)

Acknowledge whatever you’re feeling and allow yourself to sit with those emotions. Never doubt that you are amazing! You are growing and birthing a tiny human being! This is a remarkable accomplishment, however you give birth. It’s completely natural to experience feelings of fear. Trust your body and accept that some things may be out of your control. You got this!

Ask for what you need. Depending on the circumstances of your belly birth, there are many things you can request in the operating room to make the occasion feel more personal and connected to your birth plan. Skin-to-skin immediately following caesarean birth IS possible! Ask and ask again to make sure this can happen if it’s something that’s important to you.

Consider any other birth plan wishes. Ask about playing music, taking pictures, keeping your placenta and whether or not the hospital offers gentle caesarean birth planning.

A gentle c-section aims to make the experience more like that of a vaginal birth and might include a clear drape placed lower down on your chest, so that you can witness your baby’s arrival into the world, as well as initiating breastfeeding immediately, rather than postponing until you’re in the recovery room.

TIP: Make sure you talk to your healthcare provider about your wishes well in advance of your due date.

Postpartum planning becomes even more important when you give birth by caesarean. Caring for a newborn and recovering from abdominal surgery is a tough gig. (Plus, if you’ve had an unplanned c-section, you may also be recovering from a long labour, to boot.)

Plan to have someone home with you as much as possible in the first weeks after giving birth. As your due dates gets closer, stock your pantry with healthy snacks and your freezer with hearty meals. (This is essential, however you give birth!)

Think about how you will get to and from appointments and have a support person with you.

Make sure you have plenty of loose-fitting, high-waist underwear and clothes, as you won’t want anything rubbing against your incision.

DURING

You will be separated from your partner. Depending where you are in labour, this can be a very unsettling part of caesarean birth. I’ll never forget the moments I spent sitting on the cold metal operating table, working through some of my most intense contractions alone, seemingly invisible to the nurses in the room. It was a time when I desperately needed support and had none. My midwife was prepping for the OR and my husband wasn’t allowed in the room until after my spinal anesthesia was in place.

If you have a planned c-section or are still in early labour and not experiencing strong contractions, this short time of separation might not be so impactful. If you’re in the throes of transition, like I was, it can be very difficult.

TIP: If your c-section is planned, or it feels ok for you in labour, it can be empowering to walk yourself into the operating room, rather than being pushed in a wheelchair or hospital bed.

Ask for what you need, again. Even if you’ve discussed your wishes with your doctor in advance, it doesn’t hurt to remind them of the things that are important to you. You are your own best advocate. For me, it was important to have my placenta, as I planned to have it encapsulated. I must have reminded my husband and midwife a dozen times!    

The OR experience can be unwelcoming, to say the least. The room is uncomfortably cold, the lights unnaturally bright and the medication you’ll receive often causes uncontrollable shakes. (I was trembling the entire time; teeth frantically chattering.) In some cases, your arms might be strapped down to the table. While all of this sounds icky, and it is, it’s also normal.

TIP: Ask for extra blankets to help keep warm.   

It’s common to feel a lot of pressure and tugging throughout the surgery. I felt a shock of pain when the doctor started the incision and had to top-up on meds. Even with a higher dose, I still felt an unexpected amount of uncomfortable sensation – movement, tugging and pressure. It’s not uncommon to feel nauseated and very possible that you’ll cry. I bawled.

TIP: Make sure your partner has tissues to gently wipe away tears. They can also keep a cotton ball with a few drops of peppermint oil on it in a resealable bag. Inhaling a few deep breaths can help to ease feelings of nausea.   

AFTER

Postpartum discomforts are a common, to-be-expected part of giving birth by caesarean, just as they are when you give birth vaginally. Some side effects of the medication you receive during surgery can include painful gas, night sweats, migraines and swelling in your legs and feet. Your milk might also come in late. Pumping can help, and it’s always good to connect with a lactation consultant.

TIP: Keep feet elevated as much as possible during your recovery. It can take up to two weeks before the swelling goes down. If you experience migraines, keep the lights low. Drink plenty of water.  

Day three to five after surgery is often the most uncomfortable time. You’ll be extremely tender. Wear loose and comfy clothes that come up high on your waist and keep a close eye on your incision for any sign of infection – redness, swelling, oozing, etc. If you feel something is not right, contact your healthcare provider right away. Keep the incision dry as much as possible, until you have the all-clear for soaking in the bath. Try to lie down or recline, rather than sitting upright.

Don’t try to be a hero. Trust me. There are very good reasons why it is recommended that you rest, rest, rest and not lift anything more than your baby for the first six weeks postpartum. Take your pain meds, even if you feel like you don’t need them. (You might change your mind after a few hours without!)      

Do get up and move around. By that, I mean take a stroll around the house, not around the ‘hood. Keeping mobile helps to encourage healing, but don’t overdo it.

TIP: Laughter is not always the best medicine! Place a pillow against your tummy with gentle resistance whenever you laugh, cough, or sneeze to help brace yourself and lessen the pain at your incision.   

A postpartum doula is an incredible gift to give yourself, if it is within your means. Having someone around to help with cooking, tidying, newborn care and your own self-care makes it easier for you to rest. If a doula isn’t in your plan, be sure to have support people you can call on to help with household duties, preparing food and caring for other children in the family.

TIP: Once you have the OK from your healthcare provider, you can begin to massage around your incision to help loosen the scar tissue. It’s also good to book an appointment with a pelvic floor physiotherapist.

Be gentle with yourself – especially if you’ve had an unplanned belly birth. Being a new mom is super emotional and exhausting, and a c-section can be difficult to process. Allow yourself the time and space you need to grieve the birth you didn’t get to experience. Every day will get a little bit better.

TIP: Talk with other moms who can relate to your experience, in a safe and judgement-free space.

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The post Cesarean Birth: What You Need to Know Before, During & After appeared first on The Mabelhood.

About a week after my first baby was born, we were sitting on the couch in our living room and heard a loud noise from outside. Our second-floor apartment overlooked a busy street and when my husband got up to investigate, he saw that a dog had been hit by a car on the street below. He bounded downstairs to help. I stayed put; my newborn daughter resting skin-to-skin against my chest.

Within seconds, I began to shake and sob; my girl’s fuzzy head soaked in a shower of tears. I do love dogs, and it was a horrible scene, but my reaction that day was unusually intense. I was overcome with a flood of extreme emotion. I thought I might hyperventilate. I was in the throes of the baby blues – the most common postpartum mood condition, experienced by approximately 80 percent of mothers during the first two weeks after giving birth.

Symptoms of the baby blues include weepiness, mood swings and trouble sleeping, and usually dwindle after a couple of weeks. But, for as many as one in five women, these and other symptoms persist and become more severe.    

Olivia Scobie is a social work counsellor who specializes in perinatal mood, birth trauma, and maternal mental health. She’s also the founder and executive director of Postpartum Support Toronto, a not-for-profit that provides therapy and solidarity for new parents having a tough time adjusting to life with a baby.

“It’s normal to feel exhausted, easily frustrated, overwhelmed, weepy and worried whether or not you are doing everything right in the first six weeks after having a baby,” Olivia says. “It’s also normal to feel like your baby is a stranger and for it to take some time to feel bonded to them and confident in caring for them. But if this persists, and you are feeling hopeless or like your life is over, are sick with anxiety and racing thoughts, or are feeling ungrounded or having trouble distinguishing what is real and what is not, it’s important to tell someone what you are going through.”

Postpartum depression (PPD) and postpartum anxiety (PPA) are the most common perinatal mood disorders, typically occurring in the early weeks and months after giving birth, though symptoms can begin anytime within the first year. As with many physical and mental illnesses, PPD and PPA symptoms can range from mild and manageable to debilitating.

But before we dive in, let’s first unpack ‘postpartum mood’ and get a good lay of the land – something many new parents, and even some healthcare practitioners, fail to do, simply because collectively we don’t talk about it enough. That’s where we need to start. 

Being a new mom is hard. Being a new parent is hard. Life with a newborn can be demanding beyond measure, when you feel like you’re running on empty. We often talk about the excitement and joy a new baby brings, with an assumption that the experience will be positive and fulfilling. The reality is that many new parents – birthing parents, in particular – feel isolated and overwhelmed, under the pressure of expectations to fall madly in love with their babies and carry on just fine, in a social system that doesn’t provide nearly enough support.

Don’t get me wrong – for many parents, having a baby is a magical, intimate, soul-shaking experience, wrapped up in a big ol’ blanket of love – but that doesn’t make it easy. The weeks and months after giving birth are a hormonal rollercoaster and we’re wading through a metamorphosis of the body, mind and spirit. For first-time moms, it’s stepping into a whole new identity.  

Acknowledging the normal challenges and transitions of postpartum life is vital to creating the safety nets and support new parents need in order to thrive. Though the two are used interchangeably, ‘postpartum’ does not mean ‘postpartum depression.’ All new parents have bad days. We need to be able to recognize when too many of those bad days are signalling something more troublesome.

“The biggest misconception is that feeling down, overwhelmed or anxious means that you’re weak or not a good parent. One in seven parents will struggle with a postpartum mood disorder and it has nothing to do with how good a parent you are – it just means you need more support than you currently have,” Olivia says. “It’s also a misconception that only birth parents get postpartum mood disorders. Partners, adoptive and intended parents or surrogates are also at risk. It’s often assumed that if you didn’t have a postpartum mood disorder with previous children that you won’t get it with subsequent children, but every postpartum experience is completely different.”

It can be hard to distinguish between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety, as they often overlap or co-exist. The symptoms are many, but here’s a brief overview of what these mood disorders typically look like:    

Postpartum Depression: You feel overwhelmed, like you can’t cope with motherhood, and guilty for not being good enough. You may feel like your baby would be better off without you. You feel sad, hopeless, disconnected and unable to focus. You may have thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. You may have a loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping, even when you’re exhausted.

Postpartum Anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: You are intensely worried, about all of the things, all of the time. You have frequent disturbing thoughts about ‘what-ifs’ and feel as though something terrible might happen. Your thoughts are racing and you can’t relax, even though you’re exhausted. You may have a loss of appetite and a constant need to be doing something. 

Postpartum Psychosis: If you feel like you’re seeing or hearing things that no one else does, are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or feel like you and your baby are somehow cursed, it is very important to seek help immediately. Your illness can cause you to do to things you wouldn’t normally do, but you can get help. Speak to someone now, or reach free, 24/7 crisis support:

Anywhere in Canada: Call 1-833-456-4566 
Anywhere in the U.S.: Text HOME to 741741
If you need immediate help: Call 9-1-1

Thankfully, postpartum mood disorders are, for the most part, temporary and treatable. But asking for help isn’t always easy. “There is still a lot of stigma about having a mood disorder – and it’s heartbreaking. There is nothing more innocent that having neurotransmitters that aren’t working as effectively as they could be,” says Olivia. “Sometimes nursing parents are hesitant to seek help because they don’t want to take medication. There is a lot of misunderstanding about depression and anxiety medication, and medication is only one way to treat a postpartum mood disorder. I encourage parents to seek help even if they are uncertain about the use of medication.”

“It can be hard to know if you have a mood disorder or just need more sleep, and sometimes family and friends dismiss symptoms by telling parents to cheer up or think more positively,” she says. “It’s really common for parents that waited to get help to say they wished they had reached out right away because they hadn’t realized how much better they could feel.” 

Whether it’s your first baby or your fourth, we know that women are particularly vulnerable to mental health conditions during their reproductive years. More and more research shows that postpartum mental illness can persist well beyond one year. As a mother who has lived with mild to moderate postpartum anxiety off and on for more than seven years, I can attest to that.

It’s important to seek out help and find the supports that work best for you and your family, whatever that might look like. It’s naive to think that we can properly care for our kids if we don’t receive the support we need for our own mental health. The effects of untreated postpartum mood disorders can be devastating, not only for the individual experiencing them, but also for their partners and their children. Maternal mental well-being is the foundation of a much bigger picture: Healthy families.

Seeking Help:

“The first thing I would suggest is to tell someone you trust, such as a partner, doula, or friend how you have been feeling and ask them to help you get support. Together, you can talk to your family doctor, midwife or OB about how you have been feeling and get properly screened for a postpartum mood disorder,” says Olivia.

She also suggests connecting with your local hospital, as many have programs and services specifically for new parents. You might find support and connection in a community of other parents who have postpartum mood disorders, so search for online or local meet-ups.  

“Often you’ll find a ton of resources and ideas about how other people are managing and getting better, and it’s hope-inspiring to hear from others who have come through it successfully,” Olivia says. “If you don’t get the support you were hoping for from your medical doctor, book an appointment with a therapist who specializes in postpartum mood. They can help with coping strategies right away and can help you find and navigate local supports.”

New parenthood is a beautiful and tough gig. There’s no shame in not being able to do it alone. And there is so much power in letting go of what someone else might think and reaching out for the help you need.   

How Can I Help?
Here are some tips for supporting a loved one who is struggling with their postpartum mood.

• Offer to help with household chores, including cooking, laundry and cleaning.
• Help with childcare. This could include caring for a newborn, or taking older children out for play dates.
• Check in and really listen to what the individual needs.
• Acknowledge progress and successes, however small those might be.
• Accompany them to appointments, and talk to your doctor if you are particularly concerned.
• Get support for yourself, if needed.

LOCAL RESOURCES & SUPPORT:

In Canada: Canadian Mental Health Association

In the US: Mental Health America

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The post Postpartum Depression: Understanding the Different Mood Disorders and Knowing When to Seek Help appeared first on The Mabelhood.

When it comes to self-care as a new mom, you have to think like you’re taking off on a holiday. (Trust me; I’m going somewhere with this.) And, while any new mom will tell you that early postpartum life is hardly a vacay, there is a pearl of wisdom perfect for new mama self-care that you’ve likely heard recited by your flight attendant just before take-off: You must put on your own oxygen mask first.

We need this reminder because prioritizing your own well-being isn’t always natural instinct. It’s especially true in motherhood. In fact, there’s a ton of data to show that our brains actually change after giving birth and we’re hardwired to focus on our baby’s needs, even when we’re completely knackered. 

It’s biology at work, and for good reason: Our newborns are helpless. But making your needs a priority is important and beneficial to your baby. In the fourth trimester, mama and babe coexist almost as one. Your well-being matters!

Take some time to consider the layers of postpartum self-care: physical, mental, emotional, and don’t feel guilty for a darn second giving attention to your own needs. (In many cultures, a new mom is catered to for the first month or so after giving birth and we really need to inspire more of that.)

If you’re a first-time mom, life is going to be radically different once you give birth. Hold some space for that. If you’re already a mom, finding time to take care of yourself postpartum can be even more challenging with other little people relying on you.

Embrace these self-care tips, from the nitty-gritty body care to navigating the roller coaster of new-mom emotions. We’ve got you.     

PHYSICAL CARE

Alright, mamas, let’s not beat around the bush: Having babies takes a toll on our bodies, however we give birth. So let’s dig into the “I Wish Someone Had Told Me…” files and keep it real, shall we?   

Take Care Down There: Whether you give birth vaginally or by cesarean, your intimate bits will need some TLC. Aunt Flo is back in town and she’s going to be sticking around for a while. You can expect to bleed for up to six weeks postpartum, so stock up on pads. Some moms find adult diapers most comfortable and functional in the early days (e.g. Depends), though you might also need a pad.

Witch hazel is a plant-based astringent – meaning it causes contraction of body tissues – and can be applied to a pad to help soothe perineal tenderness, tearing, episiotomy cuts, varicose veins and hemorrhoids. Taking herbal sitz baths is another way to encourage gentle perineal recovery. Herbs such as calendula, comfrey and marshmallow are known for anti-inflammatory properties and have been used for generations to soothe irritated skin and heal wounds. 

Ask your doctor or midwife for a “peri bottle” – a small, squeezable bottle with a nozzle. Fill the bottle every time you use the toilet and squeeze a gentle stream of warm water over your lady land to avoid any stinging sensations and help keep everything clean.   

When possible, lie down on a towel and go pants-free to encourage healing.  

Make Padsicles: To make “padsicles,” apply some of the reserved liquid from an herbal sitz bath to a pad, along with some witch hazel. Some women find added relief if the pad is cold. (Start by putting one in the fridge and if the cooling sensation is welcome, try putting them in the freezer.) If you’ve given birth vaginally, pop the padsicle into your undies; after a c-section, lay it across your incision.

Stay Abreast: Don’t underestimate the time and energy involved with newborn breastfeeding. It’s pretty much a full-time job and there’s always a learning curve for both mama and the baby.

Breast massage under the stream of a hot shower can help to relieve engorgement when your milk comes in. Set up a few nursing stations around the house so you have what you need when you need it (a full water bottle, a few nutritious snacks, headphones, etc.). You won’t want to get up once you’re settled in.  

Be proactive with nipple balm to help soothe sensitive skin and prevent cracked or bleeding nipples – ouch! Don’t hesitate to get help from a lactation consultant. Pain is one of the most common reasons why moms stop breastfeeding and many new moms find themselves in need of some guidance. Once you figure things out, breastfeeding can be incredibly rewarding, convenient and budget-friendly!        

When possible, keep breasts open to the air for easy nursing and to help prevent thrush – which is a common yeast infection of the nipple.

Soak it Up: If you’re looking for a full-body workout, labour and delivery ought to do the trick! Soaking in an Epsom salts bath is a great way to ease aching muscles and relieve stress. Beyond the physical benefits, spending 20 minutes alone in the bath can do wonders for the spirit. When possible, have someone else prepare the bath and watch the baby while you enjoy a relaxing and healing soak.   

Have Smooth Moves: Your first few bowel movements after having a baby will be intimidating, whether you give birth vaginally or by c-section. The muscles you typically rely on are on hiatus and everything is tender. Snack on high fibre foods, like prunes, and drink plenty of water to help, ahem, ease the situation. 

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL CARE

Prepare to be swept up in a powerful tide of emotions. Feeling confused, frustrated and full of self-doubt is not uncommon postpartum. The immediacy and constancy of new motherhood can be particularly overwhelming for first-time mamas. Get cozy. Go slowly. You’ve got this and it WILL get easier.  

Create Comfort: Fill the house with your favourite foods (before baby arrives), play music you love, pile up comfy pillows and blankets and hunker down. Early postpartum life is exhausting. It also makes for some of the most intimate and magical moments imaginable.     

Breathe Fresh Air: A few breaths of fresh air can improve your mood, boost immunity, increase energy and help to clear your mind. Even if you give birth in the bleak mid-winter, make sure you open the windows or step out onto the porch for some fresh air every single day.   

Talk it Out: Open communication between you and your partner and/or other support people (your bestie, your sis, your postpartum doula, your mother etc.) is key to keeping your self-care promises. I always suggest that new moms have a confidante – a special friend who can be your go-to person when you need to talk, without fear of judgement. If you’re having a hard time, it’s good to let someone know.

If things begin to feel particularly rough beyond two to three weeks after giving birth, check in with your healthcare provider, as you may be experiencing some postpartum mood challenges. Remember there is no shame in mental health difficulties. Approximately 15 percent of new moms will experience some kind of postpartum mood disorder, though this figure is based on women who seek out help. It’s generally accepted that the number of women who have some mental health issues postpartum is higher.    

Take a Break: Make breaks a regular part of your routine whenever possible. If your partner is working during the day, be sure to take a break when they get home. (Hand over the baby and go take that bath!) Try to set yourself up with as much support as possible – a friend or family member coming over – so you can have break in the daytime. If you’re alone with your baby and feeling overwhelmed, remember that you can always put your baby down in a safe place (the crib or bassinet) and take a few moments to yourself. Caring for a newborn can be incredibly overwhelming at times. You’re doing a great job. 

Ask for Help: New motherhood was never meant to be a solo mission. You just grew and gave birth to a tiny new human! You need and deserve help. Don’t hesitate to ask for it. It’s a great idea to connect with the people in your circle of support and make a postpartum plan before baby arrives to see who can lend a hand with things like light household duties, meal prep, walking the dog, taking other children out to the park and whatever else you’d find most useful.   

Let go of any expectations. Remember that you and your baby are perfect for one another and, like every other mother and newborn, you are figuring it out as you go. Above all else, be gentle with yourself.

The post 10 Ways to Practice Self-Care When You Have a Newborn appeared first on The Mabelhood.

I had an awesome birth plan.

I’d completed my birth doula training about six months before I became pregnant with my first baby and I was pumped to prepare for my own journey into motherhood. My partner and I took birth preparation classes. We planned a home birth with our midwives. We practiced comfort measures and read all the books. I made a list of the music I wanted playing while I laboured. (I feel the Earth move under my feet / I feel the sky tumblin’ down / tumblin’ down)

As my due date approached, we made big-batch recipes and filled our freezer with meals. We gathered up our nesting supplies and I was confident that all would go more-or-less to plan.

When I finally found myself in active labour, it turned out I needed silence as I worked through contractions. (Still love you, Carole King!) I didn’t feel like getting into the bath after all. Instead, I felt best standing up, leaning against the railing in our hallway. I didn’t want to be touched. No massage. No pressure points. Nada.  

Ultimately, we transferred to the hospital and I ended up delivering our baby by emergency c-section after discovering (when I was 9 cm dilated) that she was in a breech position – surprise!

Moral of the story: Birth doesn’t always go as planned.

But you know what’s WAY more predictable? The fourth trimester: Those first 12 weeks after giving birth when life is exhausting, messy and raw. Planning for new motherhood is something we don’t talk about enough, and we owe it to each other to share our stories, offer our support and encourage one another to make our own well-being a priority. 

Over the years, I’ve spoken with so many women who were overwhelmed by the realities of new mama life. And there’s a reason for the postpartum care traditions we see in different cultures around the world: Giving birth is a deeply transformative, soul-shifting experience.

For first-time moms especially, it’s a shift into uncharted space, and we should expect that all new moms will need TLC. Early postpartum weeks are physically and emotionally exhausting and our newborns need us, even when we’re running on empty.

Making sure your needs are taken care of is unquestionably the best gift you can give to your baby. Those early days can be hard, but they’re also likely to be some of the most magical and intimate experiences of your life. Hunker down, get cosy and soak it all in, Mama.

Here are some tips to help you make it happen.

Plan Before Baby Arrives

Life with a newborn is wild and unpredictable. Finding the time to even get a shower can be challenging, so coordinate as many of the details as you can before you give birth. Speak to your partner, family and friends about how they can offer support, particularly in the first month.

Having a village of folks around who can help with laundry (there will be tons), or wipe away your tears (good chance you’ll have a few) is invaluable. Find out who can walk your dog, take your older children out for a play date, or hold the baby while you get some uninterrupted rest. 

If it’s within your means, consider hiring a postpartum doula – a trained maternal support professional – whose services might include baby care, breastfeeding support, light household duties and cooking.

If you find yourself without a plan, remember to simply ask for help and never feel guilty about it. Most folks like to help out; sometimes they just need a reminder.

Nourish Yourself

Don’t expect that you or your partner will want to do much cooking in the first couple of weeks after baby arrives – you won’t! Stock your freezer with as many meals as you can. Think nourishing soups and stews and keep it simple. Have plenty of healthy snacks in your pantry, like granola, date bars and nuts.

Set up a meal train so friends can bring by home-cooked casseroles or your favourite take-out, and remember that they don’t always need to come in for a visit. Requesting porch drop-offs is A-OK when you’re babymooning!

A healthy-meal delivery service can be a lifesaver if it jives with your budget. Since you’re planning in advance, get recommendations for the yummiest local biz and add those gift cards to your baby shower registry.   

Prioritize Self-Care

There’s some nitty-gritty stuff going on after we give birth and you’ll want to have your self-care creature comforts at the ready. Whichever way you give birth, you’ll need a lot of big, fluffy maternity pads – stock up!

Ask your midwife or the hospital for a peri bottle – a small, squeezable bottle you can fill with warm water to ease discomfort when using the bathroom.

If you’re planning to breastfeed, be proactive with nipple balm to help soothe tender skin in the early days.

Have a Confidant   

Before you give birth, connect with one special friend or family member – ideally another mom – who will be your lifeline. Someone you can be honest with without fear of being judged. She’ll be your go-to gal when shit gets real (it will!), when you’re overwhelmed, or when you’re feeling unsure or just need to chat about #momlife.

The post Why Your Postpartum Plan is More Important Than Your Birth Plan (And How to Make One) appeared first on The Mabelhood.