This is the first year that I have considered Elf on the Shelf. My daughter is now at an age where she’ll hear stories from classmates about the shenanigans their Elves are getting into. As an Elf newbie, I am considering whether I want to bring this relatively new tradition to my family. I just don’t know if I’m one of those families—an Elf family. 

This time of year, my sanity hangs like a heavy Christmas ornament on a floppy tree branch. The season is labor-intensive and stressful, and busy. You’re probably thinking I’m the Grinch. Maybe, just maybe, I’m a busy mom who isn’t sure I can manage Elf on the Shelf. Even though I want to, I just don’t know whether I can take on another daily task that involves creativity, props, and another item on the to-do list. To Elf or not to Elf, that is the question.

So I did what any over-thinking mom would do, I made a pros and cons list.

Elf on the Shelf pros and cons list:

• Pro -It brings joy into the household:  I want to bring that magic and fun into my house during the Christmas season. I want to see the joy on my daughter’s face when she sees the Elf mischief each morning.
• Pro- It’s a parenting right-of-passage: One of the benefits of social media is that we get an opportunity to share good memories, and Elf On The Shelf is one of those things. We see our feeds filling up daily with Elf high-jinks, funny stories of how moms almost forget to move him, and Elf tips & tricks. Elf-moms have other Elf-moms backs when it comes to needing advice.
• Pro- It’s creative:  Some moms get very creative, and that can be wonderful. There are 24 days of shenanigans for an Elf to get into!
• Pro- It keeps the kids inline:  A simple way to ensure the kids stay on their best behavior all month long, the Elf is watching. 

The downside of Elf on the shelf:

• Con- It’s controversial:  I’ve read a lot about the psychological effect of Elf on the shelf; it turns out it’s hugely controversial. Many moms struggle with the idea that an Elf is watching over their kids, and the motivation for good behavior all month long is based on a make-believe Elf. That’s a fair argument, but it still isn’t the basis of my hesitation (I’m not above bribery).
• Con- Does it still bring joy if I feel burdened? The magic over the Holidays only works if we can do it with enthusiasm. If we genuinely feel the joy, not the stress of it. 
• Con-Once you start, you can never go back: What if I forget to move it? What if I make a rookie mistake?  Sure, Pinterest is full of ideas and ways to get yourself out of an effing error, pardon me; an elfing error. But that alone takes effort- writing elf letters, broken legs. Do I want to make an Elf leg cast? (no, I don’t). Do I want to manipulate my handwriting to impersonate an Elf’s (nope) Do I want to create complex plot lines to keep the story going all month? (again, it’s a no)
• Con- It’s creative: There are 24 days of shenanigans for an Elf to get into. That’s a commitment.
• Con- It feels like a competition:  Sometimes it can feel as though posting daily Elf naughtiness is just a way to try and outdo one another. It couldn’t be a competition of Elf shenanigans, could it? (It could)

There you have it.

My self-care comes first. To be a good parent, a happy and enthusiastic parent, I need to set boundaries. I need to ensure that I don’t take on too much and burn out or feel resentful, which can quickly happen at this time of year. So, I asked myself one crucial question:

Does my child’s happiness over the Christmas season depend on how creative I get with an Elf? 

It absolutely does not. Children find magic in the simplest of things. Having a parent who doesn’t feel too stretched to enjoy those simple things with them. Carefully weigh your mental health vs. Elf on The Shelf.

We will get an Elf that will visit on weekends only. Friday and Saturday nights, the Elf will return from helping Santa and visit. The weekends when I’m more relaxed, and perhaps have enjoyed a glass of wine and am feeling a tad more creative. I can manage that.  It’s yet to be determined whether I’ll share any high-jinks on the ‘gram. If I do and you see my post know this- it’s not an Elfing competition, so manage your self-care before your elf-care.   

Post updated for 2023. 

The post The Pros and Cons of Elf on the Shelf; How I’m Choosing Self-Care Before Elf-Care appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Using new brain science to explain how our modern lifestyle is completely at odds with our girls’ unique psychological needs, author Donna Jackson Nakazawa provides crisp, digestible insights and advice that are easy for the layperson or the stressed-out, at her wit’s end parent to understand and put into action.

Why do we need this book?
It is estimated that one in four adolescent girls suffers from symptoms of major depression. Girls and young women are also twice as likely as their male counterparts to suffer from anxiety and, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that suicide attempts among this cohort recently increased by 51 percent.

According to Jackson Nakazawa, it wasn’t until 2016 that mental health studies began to factor sex differences into their work. Until then, it was assumed that male study subjects would provide results that applied to everyone. But —surprise, surprise—female biology does affect how stress is processed by the brain, especially during puberty and adolescence when girls’ brains are undergoing rapid development and significant changes are happening.

Recalling a study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins and Harvard medical schools, Jackson Nakazawa notes that the three-way link between cortisol stress levels, epigenetic shifts in genes that lead to greater susceptibility to stress, and increased feelings of despair, exists only in women and teenage girls.

Why is raising girls harder now?
To answer the question “why is being and raising a girl so much harder now?” Jackson Nakazawa argues that pressure to perform, compete, and to present a certain image on social media has robbed our girls of the time and space to develop emotionally, socially, and physically. She writes:

“Early exposure to external judgement, hierarchical evaluation, and critiquing is happening during the most vulnerable window in brain development.”

Add to this, environmental fears like school shootings, climate change, and the never-ending reality of violence against women, and it becomes clear that an entire generation of girls is growing up in a toxic, trigger-rich environment.

It’s more than the anti-social media debate
But Girls on the Brink does more than pile on to the anti-social media debate. It adds valuable context by explaining how brain science and environment create a perfect storm for adolescent girls. Quoting a prominent neuroscientist in the study of sex differences in early brain development, Jackson Nakazawa connects the earlier than ever onset of puberty to the loss of “a crucial period of safe developmental maturity.” In other words, “Now, suddenly, hormones come in too early, during a very sensitive time, and begin to revamp everything before the brain is developmentally ready to go through that rewiring process.” Girls’ brains, therefore, may be opening up at the wrong time.

In addition to describing the relevance of brain science, Jackson Nakazawa also explains how a lack of social safety (namely, interpersonal stress and social rejection) can be a strong predictor of depression in teens. And once again, it’s girls who feel this most acutely. The biological imperative to have and look after children helped females evolve with a keen sense of alertness to social threats. And while this was helpful when we relied on our fellow tribe members to stay safe, sheltered and fed, it can have a negative effect on today’s girls by sending their immune systems into overdrive at even the slightest hint of ostracism from the group. Feeling unsafe—no matter how she interprets that, can change a girl’s brain.

The reality is especially troubling for girls who experienced early adversity. Through a process known as gene expression, or epigenetics (find additional information on how it affects childhood development here), it is now known that our experiences and our biography can become our biology. And the two most crucial times for this are during fetal development and puberty. And for girls, the effects of adversity may not be known until the onset of puberty, thanks to estrogen’s ability to ignite any underlying inflammatory processes that cause chronic stress to begin manifesting in the brain.

The old adage ‘what doesn’t kill you makes stronger’ may not actually be true when it comes to children, argues Jackson Nakazawa, writing:

Twenty-five years of literature on adverse childhood experiences tells us that toxic stress in childhood doesn’t give kids grit or make them stronger or tougher. It reduces their well-being for life by slowly shifting the nervous system to a high-alert response and breaking down the immune system. Over time, this affects not just the body but also the brain, in harmful ways that can alter a child’s promise across a lifetime.

The good news is positive stimuli can have just as powerful impact on a girl’s brain as negative stimuli. Which means there are things we can do that will make a difference, and Jackson Nakazawa helpfully describes 15 such strategies in the second half of her book. She also cautions parents not to overestimate their ability to know what their child is thinking, pointing to studies that prove parents can’t always distinguish between normal ups and downs and depression.

Understanding our girls is the key to raising them. Understanding what they’re experiencing and coping with is the key to raising them with compassion. Knowledge is power. Without it, we may be left in a constant state of fear and frustration over confounding behavior and alarming mental health problems. If you read one ‘parenting’ book this year, make it Girls on the Brink.

The post Why “Girls on the Brink” Should be Required Reading for All Parents. appeared first on The Mabelhood.

1) Feel Good Goal
2) Accomplishment Goal
3) Connection Goal

Doing something that feels good, accomplishing a task and making a connection: These 3 things will benefit your mood greatly. Make a commitment to yourself that you will accomplish each of these daily. Add them to your calendar or share them with a friend/family member to make yourself accountable. But remember, the idea is to make them micro-goals, or goals that we can accomplish by using our imaginations to repurpose the time we do have. Let’s break our categories down even further:

Feel Good Goal

These are moments or activities in your day that make you feel good. Lately, many families have been struggling to interact in a positive way (guilty). Similar to the theory behind behavioural activation, this is a simple way to add some positive interactions into your day. This is the easiest goal to accomplish alongside your kids, it’s an easy one to slide into a 10 minute break from homeschooling or as the dinner simmers on the stove.  A feel good goal could be:

A dance party
Shake your sillies out, play loud upbeat music, stretch it out. The kids think it’s fun and it feels so good to move.

Time outside
Get your vitamin D, while the kids play, simply stand and take a few deep breaths of fresh air. Or pick up a ball (snowball or otherwise) and toss it around with the kids. They’ll be surprised to see you feeling happy and you’ll surprise yourself with how this positive, simple and short interaction can improve your mood.

Baking something yummy
Get the kids involved- don’t stress or worry about the mess, LET IT GO.  Just enjoy the moment. Louder for the clean freaks in the back… LET GO OF THE MESS and enjoy the moment.

Singing in the shower
Who cares who’s listening, in fact; sing even louder the kids will think it’s hilarious and you’ll feel good doing it.  

Accomplishment Goal

These are items that you need to do, they’re on your to-do list and are non-negotiable yet, they still sometimes slip through the cracks leading to bigger problems and greater stress. Like paying a bill for example, you know you need to get online to do it and yet you’ve procrastinated and now you have a late payment. Let’s stop this procrastination cycle. Prioritize one accomplishment goal each day. By completing your goal, you’ll actually save yourself time later with a bigger headache caused by letting these things slip through the cracks. An accomplishment goal is totally personal to what you have to do, but often can include things like:

-Weekly menu prep
-Online grocery order
-Bill payments
-Register the kids in their activities
-Book the doctor’s appointment  

Unfortunately, an accomplishment goal is often an item found on the invisible task list that moms feel burdened with. Until we’re able to start a motherhood revolution, just try your best to accomplish one per day. And always ask your partner for help, they don’t know what’s on the list, it’s invisible (and they can’t even find stuff when it’s right in front of them anyway).

Connection Goal

These goals are where you connect either with yourself or with someone else. It’s a time to reflect, or feel less alone in your worries. Many of these can be broken down to repurpose the time we do have. Connect with an old friend while driving or take your deep, restorative breaths while going pee (seriously, repurpose the time you have to make it a mood boosting moment). Some easy ways to achieve connection might be:

Taking a Walk
It is scientifically proven that a walk can boost your mood. Like any cardiovascular activity a walk will release endorphins to make you feel better and bust stress hormones so going for a walk can certainly be considered your connection goal. Take the dog out, walk to the mailbox or park the farthest parking spot from the store if you can’t find the time for a longer walk.

Friends with Benefits 
No, not that kind of benefits! Add a friend to your walk, and you’ll multiply the benefits! Studies show that talking with a supportive friend can have excellent cognitive benefits, in fact; the advantages to your brain are comparable to completing a crossword puzzle!  

Meditating
It doesn’t have to be trendy or fancy or even hard. A few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. When you start thinking about how you forgot to register your child for school, just acknowledge it and take another breath. Contrary to popular belief, meditation isn’t about not thinking, but more about acknowledging the thought and then letting it go. Like, yep, I forgot…but now I’ll take another deep breath. Visualise the breath coming in-and-out and make the breath what you think about. The benefits of a deep breath is your connecting with your body. When you’re relaxed your body automatically takes slow deep breaths. So what you’re doing is taking deep breaths first and tricking your nervous system into believing it’s relaxed. This can be done while you’re on the toilet, standing waiting for the coffee to brew or the very first few minutes of your day. No special rooms, no fancy candles or Tibetian singing bowls needed.

Calling a friend
When in doubt, call your mom. Studies show that talking it out, connecting with others (even a positive interaction with a stranger) can make us feel more connected to friends, family and our community which boosts our mood.

Sending a card or gift
Happy people do more for others (this doesn’t mean you need to take on more laundry at home) but it could mean sending a friend a quick message to say you miss seeing them, or send an eldery person on your street a bunch of flowers. Brighten your day, by making someone else’s a little brighter.  

Do yourself a favour and add one feel good, one accomplishment and one connection goal to your calendar today. By seeing these mood boosters as three little tasks, you won’t scare yourself away with the big picture. No, you don’t have the bandwidth to do it all, but maybe you can commit to sing in the shower, pay the phone bill and take the dog for a walk. Break it down each day, and you’ll go to bed each night knowing you accomplished the list, which is a huge mood booster in and of itself.

If after a few weeks you’re feeling these goals have made an impact, and you’re feeling better you can start to add in some tougher stuff. Keep in mind, once you’re already feeling in a more positive mood, adding more won’t seem as daunting as perhaps it does today. Maybe you can commit to yourself to get off social media for a few nights a week? Or add some more leafy greens to your diet, or get an extra hour sleep? All of these things slowly added together will have significant mood impacts. Plus, once you feel better, you’ll start to see the dynamic between you and your kids improve, too. Then before you know it, Spring will have sprung and we’ll be moving into brighter days.

Note: if you’re reading this and it all seems so incredibly overwhelming and daunting. If you’ve tried these tips and it’s not working, or if your mood has been exceedingly low for a long period, please consider reaching out to your healthcare provider for support. There should be no embarrassment in needing extra help, it’s not shameful; it’s biochemistry.

The post Moms, Improve Your Mood With These 3 Daily Goals appeared first on The Mabelhood.