Parenting isn’t easy at the best of times. ADHD is added to the regular Motherhood struggles, becoming completely overwhelming. It can bring up feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and anger. Anything from forgetfulness, difficulty planning and following through, focusing, and decision-making becomes a massive burden as you try to cope with your struggles and manage your enormous role as a parent.  Parenting with ADHD can leave you feeling like a total failure.  

Why are so many women being diagnosed with ADHD?

So why are (especially since the pandemic) so many women being diagnosed or saying, “I’m not diagnosed, but I think I may have ADHD.” 

Simply put, we now know more. Like most medical diagnoses, studies involve young white men, so they’re the ones whose symptoms have been what doctors look for with a diagnosis. ADHD has been studied in white men since the early 70s. These studies led to the diagnosis being what we now know as one type of ADHD: ‘Hyperactive ADHD’ – characterized by the typical inability to sit still, talk a lot, interrupt, and have big emotional reactions. However, women experience ADHD very differently, which is why many women don’t fit the diagnosis and are often misdiagnosed.  

Women often experience ADHD as ‘Inattentive ADHD’ or ADD. These women with Inattentive ADHD may appear to be functioning and listening well- but their mind is elsewhere and distracted. This type of ADHD is distinguished by: 

•  Being disorganized 
•  Make careless mistakes  
•  Being easily distracted
•  Poor ability towards attention to detail 
•  Difficulty setting priorities 
•  Difficulty with decision making 
•  Withdrawing from hard scenarios  
•  Taking a while to process information  

These symptoms can also contribute to another secondary set of matters like screen addiction, over-eating, emotional outbursts, and more. Often social media becomes a relief from the symptoms, the endless scrolling is one way to tune out from overwhelming environments, but that can often come with feelings of guilt.

These symptoms, for many years, have been misdiagnosed as them just not trying hard enough, a potential learning disability, or mental health problem. On the contrary, they are competent, intelligent, and creative individuals who need the tools to succeed.  

Women have been misdiagnosed with ADHD

Experiencing ADHD symptoms (undiagnosed) leads to big feelings of inadequacy, being completely over-whelmed, leading to anxiety and depression. At which point, women often receive a depression diagnosis missing the underlying issue completely. 

Mood swings get mistaken for hormones instead of reactions to the overwhelm. As women, we know all too well that society always wants to label us “crazy” before finding an accurate diagnosis that could be helpful to us and lead to a healthy lifestyle.  

We’re sharing more information.

We’re learning a lot more about women and ADHD. TikTok accounts sharing the day-to-day struggles of ADHD have made many Mothers see themselves and have a better understanding of ADHD suddenly, leading them to their family doctor to find out more.  

Our kids are being diagnosed with ADHD leading to the diagnosis of parents too

ADHD is a hot topic in the school system, and kids often get referrals for diagnosis. Often, as parents are talking with professionals and doctors about their kids’ symptoms, they suddenly feel very familiar and realize that they have the same diagnosis. ADHD is genetic, so kids getting the diagnosis leads to parents being checked too.  

In Motherhood, especially in the last century, the job has changed. There is a significant amount of pressure put upon us mothers to be good parents, friends, wives, and employees. The pressures we face are immense. Women are expected to ‘multi-task” and make it all work. Women have been putting the challenges down to the multi-tasking lifestyle expected of them rather than seeing those challenges as ADHD symptoms.

As Mothers, we also put everyone else first. Our needs often are secondary to all the executive management of the family and the household. Our needs don’t get met we take longer to get the care we need.  

 Here are a few thoughts on ADHD that women recently shared in an online support group. It goes to show that women with ADHD are grossly misunderstood, and that alone can be isolating:

I was labeled an attention seeker, by reaching out and displaying distressed behavior because- I was very distressed.!    

 I feel and think in my own way. People think I’m being difficult, but that’s not it; I’m not trying to be difficult.    

A task that some people see as small can lead me to feel overwhelmed and burn out.   

Sometimes I completely disconnect from myself and my surroundings because that’s the only way I can cope.

 So, where do we go from here? Now that we know many of these hot mess moms are Mothers with ADHD. Well, firstly, we must be getting the correct diagnosis for ourselves. 

 As Mothers, we need to get better at putting ourselves first sometimes.  

 What help/support are recommended to women.? Tips provided by mothers with ADHD:  

•  Join a support group! 
•  Set a timer to get the task done. Usually, it only takes a minute, and that makes it bearable.  
•  Simplify life: give yourself fewer options for outfits, for meals for activities.
•  Get a good night’s sleep and get lots of exercise.
•  Ask friends and family to help with problem-solving and large tasks that are too  overwhelming to do on your own, especially if under a deadline.  
•  Make checklists! (Everything you need for school runs, errands, etc.)
•  Keep a routine for household management 
• Hire help if you can (cleaning the house, helping kids with homework…outsource!) 

As difficult as it can be, we need to talk openly and honestly about what Mothers with ADHD are going through. Until we live in a world where we can support one another, embrace our differences, accept the inattention, enjoy the excessive talking, the forgetfulness, the fidgeting and the overall hot mess. Once we can remove the unachievable standards set upon Mothers of what success is, our struggles will be acceptable and normal and we won’t set another generation of young girls up to be living in a neurotypical world that doesn’t work for them. So for the sake of our girls, let’s work on changing perceptions and being more accepting of everyone’s imperfections.

If you child has ADHD and you’re looking for resources to help, check these out!  

The post Mothers with ADHD; Strategies, Struggles and Support appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Some weird toddler behaviors that make us nervous wrecks but relax, mama; these odd things are normal: 

 Hair twirling or pulling:

This behavior can be alarming or frustrating if they’re tangling their hair. But, it’s simply a way of self-soothing. It seems quite an unusual way of soothing, but it is normal (as is nail-biting and picking). So, redirect this when you see it, give them something else to do with their hands, and they should eventually grow out of it. 

Rocking back and forth:

Another typical self-soothing technique. Rocking back and forth is often seen in kids who are not yet verbal and can’t express their feelings. They may be feeling frustrated or angry, or upset. A mother’s instinct is to our babies, so it makes sense that it’s something they do for themselves too. 

The behavior only becomes worrisome if they appear to be in a trance-like state. In which case, you may want to contact your family doctor.

Lying:

Totally normal! Toddlers often have a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy, and lying is a blurry way of providing an answer to something that they wished happened or might happen or could have possibly have happened- it’s a blurry line for them and nothing to worry about. So don’t discipline for these lies; just encourage honesty. As life gets more precise, the lies will become less. 

Imaginary friends:

Imaginary friends are a healthy part of child development. It was believed that toddlers having an imaginary friend was a sign of mental health issues, but studies have completely disproven this archaic way of thinking.  

 “Imaginary friends are now considered a natural part of childhood for many children, and have been associated with a range of positive developmental outcomes.”

Head banging:

This one can be very scary for parents because it’s so hard to understand and watch your child do something that appears to be harmful. But rest assured, head banging is common and normal. It’s more common in boys than girls and usually doesn’t happen after 4. It’s self-soothing, tension-releasing, and they quickly learn that it gets your attention.  

While it can be alarming, you probably have very little to worry about as long as your little one is happy and healthy.

Playing with poop:

As horrifying and gross as this can be, playing with poop is a normal toddler behavior. It’s simple sensory and exploratory, and curiosity. Poops can be fascinating to a little one; look what their body just did!

It could be a sign they’re ready to potty train. The best way to deal with it is never over-react (although that can be hard, try your best to keep your cool). Any behavior that gets a great deal of attention can use later for attention-seeking. And we don’t need that poopy situation. Make sure their hands are properly washed and talk calmly about how poop must stay in their diaper. 

Always being naked:

Totally normal (can you blame them?). It feels nice; they can have some independence and assert themselves. Plus, clothes can be uncomfortable. So, letting them go nakies at home is fine (choose your battles, right!). But, speak to them about the importance of clothing outside the house and that we keep our bodies private. 

Touching their peers or siblings’ genitals:

Another normal development stage touching themselves or siblings’ genitals is normal. They’re simply curious about bodies and haven’t been told the importance of privacy yet. It’s important to explain that we don’t touch anyone else’s private parts and only touch our own in private. Generally, kids quickly pick up on this, and the behavior is easy to redirect. 

Not answering when you speak to them:

This can be super frustrating. And if you’re certain your child doesn’t have any hearing issues, this is normal. Often this is their way of exerting power. Toddlers don’t have a lot of control over their life or environment. Not listening might be their way of taking some of that power back, and again, they’re looking for your reaction. Try giving your toddler small choices (red cup or blue cup) and making them feel like they’re in charge of their own lives. 

Any time the behaviors appear to be too much, you’re unable to redirect or accompany sudden mood changes or anxiety, reach out to your family doctor or mental health professional.

The post Worrisome Toddler Behaviors That Are Actually Totally Normal appeared first on The Mabelhood.

Guilt is a moral emotion that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse, regret, as well as shame. 

 But where do these standards come from? Why do mothers have so much guilt? Who set the bar? Our society and culture have taught us guilt. Our community has set expectations of what we’re supposed to do and accomplish, and there unrealistic.  

These expectations were set in the 1950s before women entered the workforce and lost our villages. Then, women entered the workforce, got paid less, and continued to carry out most of the domestic and parenting duties. We have the “second shift” of workers and mothers. So, when one area falls short or strays away from those duties, we feel guilt.   

 Among my mom-friends, I’ve noticed that we constantly need to justify our actions. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse, regret, as well as shame. We feel shame, and we’re trying to justify it and ease our guilt. We sometimes feel like we need to compare hardships to justify our actions without guilt.  

 Recently a mom friend told me how horrible of a day she’d had, that she’s still trying to learn about her daughter’s new diagnosis, and so this day was particularly long and hard… so that’s why she took a few minutes extra in the shower. Is this where we are?? We need to explain our hardships so we can shower without shame or guilt!?   

This is absurd, and it’s got to stop. But therein lies the problem. How do we unlearn what society has taught us and change culture? So, for now, let’s just talk about tips on dropping the mom guilt. We’ll smash the patriarchy in another post.  

I got tired of hearing “don’t feel guilty” gee thanks, tips! It’s all well and good to say don’t feel guilty, but it’s a feeling; how do you stop feeling the feels??  

Tips on dropping the mom guilt, it’s a work in progress:

FLIP IT: From aren’t to are:

Don’t focus on what you aren’t doing well; flip it and find out what you are doing well.

Feel guilty because we are feeding our kids a frozen pizza for dinner? Don’t tell yourself you aren’t providing your kids a healthy meal.   FLIP IT: I am feeding my kids. I am giving them something they like, and they will have full tummies tonight.  

Feel guilty about getting up early and selfishly exercising instead because you aren’t using the time to make a hot breakfast for your kids?  FLIP IT: I am taking care of myself to care for my family. I am providing an excellent example of a healthy lifestyle and ensuring that I remain energized today.  

Feel guilty because you took a half-hour to read your book away from your family? Don’t tell yourself you’re being selfish. FLIP IT: I’m prioritizing myself to feel my best and modeling healthy behavior to my kids.

Reset your expectations:

Every time something in life shifts, shift your expectations. For example, is your partner working an hour later each night? Reset your expectation- you may need an extra takeout night or have one less bath a week. Don’t expect yourself to manage the same way when things change.  

Remind yourself of the fallacy:

Common myths we’ve been taught tell us what a “good mother” is. A good mother… manages home and work seamlessly, spends quality time with their kids, has a clean house, never yells, cooks healthy meals, etc. It all seems to be about what we’re doing or not doing. But, let’s remember, we are human beings -not human doings. So, these “things to do” don’t define a good mother. These things are just myths about what being a good mother looks like, but not actually what a good mother is. 

Use social media wisely:

Going against societal myths is difficult, especially with the impact of Tik Tok and social media we have in our face all day long. We’re a comparing culture. Social media exacerbates everything; it’s also a fallacy.  

•  Unfollow anyone who’s fake or doesn’t make you feel good about yourself 
•  Question everything. Is her house actually spotless? Remind yourself that she’s probably standing on a pile of crap at her feet off-camera. At least you aren’t kidding yourself.   
•  Limit your time. 

There are a few tips. But keep in mind, doing tips on dropping the mom guilt won’t happen overnight, or completely. But always remind yourself, it’s not you. It’s unrealistic expectations. So do your selfcare guilt free, and order pizza for dinner, and take that extra long hot shower. You deserve to live guilt free.

The post Thanks Tips… On Dropping the Mom Guilt appeared first on The Mabelhood.